Questioning Faith

04/28/04

Its after 2am as I sit here, unable to sleep despite plenty of medication. It isn?t that I am in great pain, but more that my mind keeps going, not wanting to stop. I am not at all certain why that is, but I am sure that it lies in the decisions that my doctors and I must be making soon.

I had an appointment yesterday with my urologist and we discussed, once again, the removal of my kidneys. We discussed the possibility that maybe they would only remove one kidney and I could avoid dialysis, but the likelihood that they would have to remove both looms big. I have to admit, though I do not relish the thought of dialysis, that I believe that both kidneys should be removed, basically because while I might have more problems with my right kidney, the left kidney is frequently involved as well. I also don?t want to find myself having another surgery a month or so later because the first surgery didn?t stop the infections. This is where my mind-set is right now.

Yesterday, I was reading some of the postings on ARDCHAT and came across one regarding your faith. I posted that I usually focus on other issues to avoid having my faith tested and that is how I stay strong in my beliefs. I, truly, have never doubted God in my life once. But, now that I have said that, I am hit with little naggings going on in my head. Certainly the devil trying to weasel his way in, but I will not allow that.

I have read Bev?s birthday blog and am, as always, so happy that she found freedom from her pain. I learn that a new friend will be going to the Caymans for surgery with Dr. Reich and while I wish it were me going, I am so thrilled that there will be one more person who possibly could be free from this disease. More and more people are becoming able to seek out relief from their pain and have the knowledge that they have gotten the best that there is available to them in Spraygel and with Dr. Reich. Plus, there is the certainty that as Spraygel becomes more widely available, there will be more and more doctors capable of performing quality adhesiolysis (of course, we cannot just assume that because they have the access to the spraygel that they can do a proper adhesiolysis). I am truly happy for all of this.

Then, why am I so disturbed at this moment? I am not asking God why he has allowed this to happen, but I am wondering why my condition has gotten so bad that I must have my kidneys removed in order to survive. According to my doctor today, I am not that one in a million person in this world who has my problem because that would mean that there are others out there with this same issue. He said that I am the one person in this whole world with my problems. Geez, I don?t like being alone out here in all of this. I told him that I?d just as soon be like everyone else, but then again, wouldn?t we all. I believe that God is using me, for what I don?t know, but using me because he knows that I can and will get through all of this. But, that does not mean that I don?t have weak moments where I feel all alone and need others for support and love.

Bev and I joked this afternoon because my mind is still so set on getting that adhesiolysis that will set me free. I asked her if "once I had both my kidneys removed did she think that Dr. Reich would perform surgery on me." I didn?t stop to realize how absurd that really is. I am so far beyond needing an adhesiolysis that I should be happy to be alive, particularly once they do remove my kidneys. That, too, doesn?t sound right....that I will be happy to have my kidneys removed. It is all so bizarre. But, I have been so focused on helping others with getting quality adhesiolysis? with the best there is, that I want one too! Particularly if it means going to the Caymans to get it!!!! lol Do you know what I mean? I never stop to think that even a quality adhesiolysis, perhaps done by Dr. Reich with the benefit of SprayGel, would not be in my best interest. I should be grateful to be alive. But, how often do we, as ARD sufferers, reach out to find an end. We want to find an end to our pain and suffering. It doesn?t matter that we are finally successful in stopping ourselves from dying. Because as soon as we recover, we find another issue to focus on....all of a sudden the pain that we have been able to live with for many, many years becomes something that we can?t tolerate...or just plain that we don?t want to live with it anymore or feel that we shouldn?t have to. And, while that may be true in most cases, it really is not always in our best interest to try and find that perfect, healthy life. I need to be satisfied with what I have, or will have, rather than worrying about having it "all". I have to be happy with what I do have and continue to concentrate on helping others find answers.

I don?t know that you will understand what I am trying to say since I know that I am walking in these shoes alone (gee whiz, the doctor really didn?t have to point that out). I can only ask for your love and support to get through this. I have to stay strong so that I live long enough to actually be able to undergo the surgery to remove my kidneys. I cannot do this alone. Will you please be there for me?

God?s Blessings to Everyone.

Karla